I have homosexual feelings. Is that a sin?

HomeChristianity and the BibleI have homosexual feelings. Is that a sin?

Is it a sin for me to be attracted to the same sex even though I never act upon it?

Anonymous GodWords Reader

[Editor’s Note] Others have posted this article on Reddit a number of times, and it has been removed each time. The first part of the complaint is that I’m comparing homosexuality with bestiality. Even a quick, surface reading shows that this is true. However, I also compare heterosexuality and bisexuality with bestiality. The rest of the complaint suggests that homosexuality and bestiality are unrelated. They’re not…not when one considers that all kinds of sexuality are sexual in nature. Comparisons are not, by themselves, bad. They’re only bad when they’re incorrect. The strong emotional response to this article suggests that certain people believe any discussion of sexuality in the context of religion or spirituality is offensive. When you read, keep in mind that this article is in response to an actual question, asked by an actual person. While some might not feel such discussions are important, the anonymous man who asked this question is not among them.

Thanks for asking, anonymous GodWords reader! I’m going to give a short answer, and then a pretty long answer.

No, it’s not a sin to be attracted to the same sex. See? Pretty short. Now for the longer answer:

The truth is that, at some point, everybody is attracted to people of the same sex. We all have the capacity to be sexually attracted to almost anyone…and it’s not a matter of simple biology. Here’s what I mean:

There are two questions: WHY we’re attracted, and WHAT – if anything – to do about it.

WHY are we attracted?

We aren’t sure why some people are attracted to the opposite sex, and others to the same sex. Did you know that there’s exactly ZERO evidence that anyone is ‘born gay’? That’s right. Most scientists will freely admit that they’ve been looking for a gay gene for a long time, and that there simply isn’t one. Certain rich people are apparently paying scientists to keep looking, so some scientists keep looking…but it doesn’t look like they’ll find one.

If there’s no gay gene, then people aren’t born gay…so we can pretty much rule out simple biology. What then? Are we all to blame for our sexual desires?

Nah. All you have to do to blow that theory out of the water is to talk with homosexuals. Most of my gay and lesbian friends don’t remember NOT being gay…so they clearly didn’t DECIDE to become gay.

Of course, we CAN – clearly – develop and strengthen sexual appetites. Nobody in their right mind would suggest that people are born with sexual desires that include sheep, but some people clearly desire sex with them anyway. For that to happen, a person has to be willing to experiment and get past any awkwardness involving new and obviously strange desires. In other words, we can pervert ourselves if we want to.

So we’re not BORN gay, and we’re not born baasexual. Psychologists suggest that because sexual identity is formed in children between the ages of 3 and 5, certain disturbances during that formative time can lead to gender identity confusion. If that’s correct, it would explain why most homosexuals don’t remember NOT being gay, and show that homosexuality is not something that older children bring on themselves. Some people did NOT choose their sexual orientation, while others clearly have. What should we conclude? Simple: we don’t CREATE sexual desire, but we can AFFECT it. We may not have control over the fact that we desire sex, but we can control our actions.

WHAT should we do about it?

A lot of people believe that all of our desires are natural, and – as a result of that belief – believe that we should follow our desires without restraint. That sounds good until they hear that I’m naturally a selfish person who naturally likes to manipulate people, who naturally loves to lie and shoplift, and who could – if I let myself – be cruel and heartless. Those aren’t “politically correct” natural desires, and most people would say that I should definitely control myself in those areas…but, when it comes to sex, I should just let go and do what comes naturally.

The truth is that we should NOT do what comes naturally. Patience is not natural, but it’s a good thing to have. Kindness is good, but not natural…we learn it from kind people, and become convinced that it’s something we should offer to strangers. Self-control is not natural, either…and self-control is what’s prescribed for all kinds of desires, including sexual desires. We all like food, but everybody agrees that we should control our food intake. Lots of people like alcohol but believe that binge-drinking alcoholics should exercise more restraint. Sex is like any other desire: when we leave it unchecked (or when we purposefully misuse it), we face trouble.

I don’t know how strongly you believe that the Bible is God’s real instructions for all people, so I’m not sure exactly how to write this part. If you aren’t a big Bible person, let me point to what should be obvious: the misuse of sex causes MULTIPLE problems. We don’t like to think about it very much. In fact, we often try to escape the consequences of the misuse of sex, or to pretend that there AREN’T any consequences. Those who “sleep around” find that they bring extra emotional baggage to what otherwise might be a great relationship. Unintended pregnancies result in unwanted babies, or in the killing of unwanted babies. Sexually-transmitted diseases spread like wildfire and can cause illness, sterility, and death. Adultery breaks the trust in a relationship, destroys families, and damages reputations. I could go on and on with non-biblical reasons to see that self-control is the answer to the question “what should we do about our sexual desires?”.

If you ARE a big Bible person, let me point to what should be obvious: God wants to protect us from doing what ‘comes naturally’. The Bible explains what kinds of behaviors are damaging to us as people. Even though the ideas of self-restraint and obedience aren’t popular, they work. Many of my friends were sexually active before marriage, and consider that a factor in their failed marriages. Many of my friends have cheated on their spouses, and have suffered greatly as a result…they’re divorced, or in counseling, or are living in fear of discovery. Some have contracted diseases. Some have been blackmailed. All of them regret what they’ve done.

Not everyone has those same regrets, of course…so I can’t speak for them. I don’t know them. Everybody I know who’s willing to talk about their sex lives has suffered from doing what the Bible speaks against.

So IS homosexuality a sin?

No. Homosexuality is NOT a sin. Being attracted to someone isn’t a sin any more than it’s sinful to WANT to be selfish, to WANT to shoplift, or to WANT to be cruel. The Bible is clear that temptation and sin are two different things. Take a look at Hebrews 4:15…

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet he did not sin.

Jesus was tempted JUST AS WE ARE, but successfully resisted His temptation. When we are tempted to do something we should not, we face a decision: to give in, or to restrain ourselves. When we give in to temptation, that’s sin. When we don’t, that’s self-control. Temptation is part of life, and must be dealt with…but it’s NOT wrong to BE tempted.

We need to make a distinction between sexual ATTRACTION and sexual ACTIVITY. Sexual attraction is generally a good thing. God gave us these desires, and – as with hunger – we should fulfill these desires thoughtfully. Sexual activity is either right or wrong, and that depends on what we DO. The Bible describes homosexual activity as something unnatural…in fact, it describes ALL sinful acts as unnatural. Unfortunately, we’re broken people who live in a fallen world and – as a result – we have to deal with difficult situations that are often not our fault.

What should one do when faced with unnatural desires? When asked that way, it seems simple: we should exercise self-control, and ask God to help us do what is right. Unfortunately, not all desires are created equal. Sexual desire is closely tied to being social, and affects virtually all of our relationships with others. When virtually every relationship is affected by a desire we did not choose, our lives can be filled with struggle. I believe that homosexuality is NOT natural, and I believe that homosexuals are generally victims of sinful humanity. I can’t imagine how difficult life as a homosexual would be, even in the best of circumstances…so I’m very sympathetic toward those who struggle over questions of sexuality and godliness.

What SHOULD one do? Really, the answer IS simple…but it’s not easy. Regardless of which desire we’re struggling with, the answer is to seek God in all we do. Ask God to help you be the person you should be, and I believe that He will. That doesn’t necessarily make the struggle go away, of course…but we don’t have to face the struggle alone. God is with us, gives us strength and wisdom to face our problems, and comforts us when we fail. God transforms us from the inside out to become more like He is, if we just allow Him to change us. We cooperate with Him when we exercise self-control and avoid simply doing what comes naturally.

Does that answer your question?


Join the Conversation

35 responses to “I have homosexual feelings. Is that a sin?”

  1. Kayleigh Willis says:

    This was very helpful. But another question is, is can this be a phase? & does everyone at least once in their life have feelings for someone the same sex?

  2. Tony Scialdone says:

    Kayleigh:

    Thanks for visiting GodWords! Yes…this can be a phase. Sociologists and psychologists often suggest that all children go through at least one phase in their lives where they exhibit homosexual feelings. This isn’t a reason for concern, or to conclude that you’re a homosexual. It is apparently natural.

  3. Jeremy Gonzalez says:

    This was very helpful! I have a question though. If one is homosexual falls in love
    & dates the same gender, but both don’t practice sexual intercourse. Is it still a sin?

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Jeremy:

      That’s a good question. On the surface, it seems that such activity would not be sinful. Unfortunately, that answer is completely insufficient.

      You see, being a follower of Jesus isn’t about making sure we obey all of the rules. That’s a really short-sighted way of thinking about our relationship with God. Let me give you an example of what I mean:

      A single Christian man has no Biblical rules that tell him not to date a Christian woman. Most people would say that such a thing could never be a sin. However: the Holy Spirit lives in each Christian, and leads them…if the Holy Spirit tells that man that he should break up with his girlfriend, he should do it. Not doing it would indeed be a sin.

      Are there any Biblical rules against homosexuals falling in love with, and dating, someone of the same sex? I’m not aware of any. Does that mean that every homosexual person who wants to follow Jesus is free to date whomever they wish? Certainly not…they should ask God what HE wants for them, and trust Him when He tells them what they should do.

      That’s the essence of following Jesus, by the way: God lives in each believer, and we all should ask Him for guidance, listen when He leads us, and do whatever He says.

  4. Farai says:

    I really wish the Christians would use this argument more often. It’s more logical and sound.

  5. kutlo says:

    @faraı,ıt maybe logıcal,but lets seek what the bıble says,Tony ı lıke parts of your reply ,such as the Holy Ghost leads us and ıf the spırıt tells you somethıng ısnt rıght then ıt probably ıs not rıght,hence a sın.let me start by sayıng we shouldnt even be lookıng ınto what scıentıst or socıologıst and psychologısts say about such ıssues,we are chıldren of God,and ıf you are a Chrıstıan we should know better than look for an explaınatıon from the world,but we should seek a spırıtual revealatıon! Romans 1:24 24 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. 25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen.

    26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

    28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 29 They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. And the end ıt says they deserve death,whıch means homosexualıty ıs a sın and a sexual ımmoralıty actıvıty whıch ıs an abomınatıon ın the bıble. All you need to do ıs seek God more and pray that you do not follow the desıres of flesh,and gıve ın to temptatıons that wıll lead to death.lıke tony saıd,God wıll lead you and hıs able to change you.Let the spırıt prevaıl,but the flesh dıe.Homosexualıty ıs a sın.

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      kutlo:

      You make two claims that seem problematic to me.

      1. ıf you are a Chrıstıan we should know better than look for an explaınatıon from the world,but we should seek a spırıtual revealatıon!

      This sounds nice and spiritual, kutlo…but let’s think it through. While we agree that much of the psychology and counseling industry is garbage, let’s not pretend that such things have no value. Do you seek a spiritual revealation [sp] when your car breaks down? Also: it shouldn’t make a difference to you, but I’m pretty sure it might: the psychologist to which I refer in the article is a Christian.

      2. Homosexuality is a sin.

      You fail to see the distinction between temptation and sin. If someone is tempted by same-sex attraction, they are not guilty of sin unless they act on the temptation.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Thankyou so much! This has brought a lot of peace to me! I am a Christian, but I get so frustrated and confused because my body will react sometimes when with someone the same sex no matter how hard I try. My body is just turned on with anything homosexual, I don’t know why, but it just seems a temptation that is VERY strong in my life.

    Now I would never ever actually DO anything with another man, but will this effect my marriage? Getting a wife? That is what I am particularly stressed about. I’m 18, so these things have been pressing on my mind. I even have homosexual dreams that I can’t control! I CANT STAND IT. I just want to have straight feelings like any other person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Dear Anonymous:

      I’m happy to help! When it comes to how your body reacts, let’s be clear: we will react to all kinds of stimuli over the course of our lifetimes. A lot of people will tell you that this is natural, and that you should feel free to indulge as you wish. Even some who call themselves Christians will use the logic that because God created you, every desire you have should be fulfilled.

      As we can all agree, I shouldn’t indulge my desire to punch my neighbor in the throat. It’s juvenile to suggest that we should all do whatever we want to do. I know it’s tough, but don’t focus on who you should have sex with, or whether to shoplift, or whether to be mean to that person who was mean to you. Focus on pleasing God in ALL that you do, and let Him guide you in everything. Instead of having to figure out every tiny part of life, you’ll only have to figure out one thing: what God wants for you.

      My life has certainly been easier, and much simpler, since I decided to let Him lead me. I’ll be praying for you…let me know if there’s more I can do to help you.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Is it a sin to be friends with someone you’re homosexually attracted to and nothing more?

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Dear sdfghjkfsasdf:

      I’m assuming you haven’t used your real name. =)

      It’s not a sin to be friends with anyone at all. However: certain relationships can be problematic. Certainly heterosexual men and women have to deal with this as well…and I would say the same to them. If being around a particular person increases your desire to sin, it’s wise to avoid being around them. Pray about this regularly, and don’t place yourself into situations where temptation is more likely to occur. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in this, as in other things.

      Here’s a song for you…I’ve found it helpful, and I hope you do as well.

  8. Broken says:

    All of this is really helpful but I still have a problem. Let me start by saying I was about 4 or 5 the first time a boy kissed me. He played on my bball team and ask me if I wanted to kiss while at his house one day. Well I did it. Around the same time I was at another friends house (a boy) who my parents knew from church and he asked if I wanted a kiss. Again same age as me and we went on with it……Anyway, when I turned around 7 or so, I started playing on a new bball team which stayed playing together for about 4 or 5 years. We would all have sleepovers and do unnatural acts. I would rather not go into detail. I’ve always been attracted and always dated girls. I like them. But even now at the age of 26 I cannot control my homosexual feelings. You say to ask God for help, pray, and read your bible(all that good stuff). But I’ve was raised in church and have been asking for Gods help ever since I was young and knew it was wrong. I have a gf who I have been with for 4 years. She recently found out about some stuff I had done and left me. What am I supposed to do when I ask for help and don’t feel like I’m getting any! I only like girls and having an actual relationship or relations with a man sickens me. But when im turned on with out a girl around the gay stuff just takes over and it is too hard for me to stop it. I’ve asked, I’ve begged, I’ve cried out to my KING to take this from me and I feel like it won’t ever happen. Suicide Sounds good if I’m goin to help anyway right?

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Broken:

      I hear you. This is a very difficult issue. It’s easy to say “ask God for help” but it’s very hard to accept that the problem isn’t going away. My own struggle with lust lasted for decades before I began to see some real progress. I can’t tell you how many thousands of times I cried out to God, as you have, to fix me.

      I know that it’s tempting to look for other answers, but there really aren’t any. To be rid of a problem like this, God needs to change us from the inside out. Like you, I felt despair that I would never be the man I should be. Let me tell you something very simply: your relationship with God is not defined by how successfully you avoid sin. It’s defined by God’s love for you, by His graciousness to save you right when you needed saving, and by His persistence and faithfulness to transform you to more closely resemble Him in character and in love for others.

      While I struggled daily with issues of sexuality, I was still growing. God was changing me, bit by bit. I’m no longer a young man, and it hasn’t been that long since I began to see regular victories in this area…but I find that I’ve become a mature believer in the process. This happened in spite of my failures, in spite of my weakness, and in spite of my self-indulgence. Let me share with you a passage of Scripture that only began to make sense to me after years of struggle:

      Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

      You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

      Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

      That’s Romans 5, by the way. Don’t get me wrong: you can’t win this battle by yourself, but there are certainly things you can do to make things a bit easier. First, determine to not make your own life more difficult. Avoid situations where you know you may struggle. Guard your heart, and don’t fill your mind with trash. Think about, and spend time on, things that encourage you to do what you know you should do. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and avoid spending high-quality time with people who are running from God.

      Second, don’t hide the truth about yourself from everybody. Look for a mature, sincere believer who will accept you as you are, who can encourage you when things get tough. Shouting your struggle from the rooftops would probably make things more difficult, but hiding only makes it easier to give in. Look for help and you will find it. You may struggle for another 20 years, but – contrary to what you may now think – God will love you the whole time, and He will continue to change you from the inside out. Healthy relationships with mature men in the context of a church community will help. I hate to say this, because it would be nice if you could go to any church and talk to any man and not find trouble, but that’s not reality. Be careful about opening up to just anybody. Choose carefully the people you will trust.

      In the meantime, trust God. He doesn’t love you less because of what’s happened to you. The Apostle Paul wrote about his own struggles, saying that he was a wretched man because he didn’t do the things he should, and that he did things he shouldn’t have done. He struggled with sin like you and I do…like everybody does. Like Paul, you and I can be all that God wants us to be. Please don’t hesitate to contact me directly if you’d like to talk about this some more. I’m here to help.

  9. Teleskoid says:

    I think what you wrote is very neat and well thought. I have no desires for women, I’ve had gay sexual experiences in the past which makes it really hard to forget about because it was very pleasurable. And you are right, living with that attraction is feeling like I can only live black and white in this life and the colors will only come when I die and I go to Heaven. I want to set my life straight and continue growing in my relationship with God but two things still frustrates me a lot:

    1. What is the actual bad consequence of a loving, monogamous, faithful and Christian homosexual couple? I can find something for pretty much every other sin (for instance disease if you have sex with a sheep) but NOTHING for that one in that specific context.

    2. Why is the Bible never explicitly condems polygamy or slavery while we know those things bring a lot of suffering while it completely forbids something like a homosexual loving marriage? It seems to be rather unfair to me, and we always excuse the Bible saying it was just something “cultural”. Isn’t gay marriage “cultural” too?

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Teleskoid:

      First, thanks for writing. I’m always aware that my perspective is limited, so I really appreciate hearing from you. Second, you’ve asked some good questions. I’m going to answer in reverse order:

      >> Polygamy
      Having more than one wife is neither commanded nor prohibited in the Old Testament. While those in the western world generally consider polygamy to be wrong and damaging, that’s not necessarily the case. In situations like those of the Ancient Near East, women were more financially vulnerable. If a husband died, the wife might have no way to care for herself and her children. There are always more women than men (especially in wartime) and taking care of women could sometimes be done best by having large families with multiple wives.

      Clearly this wasn’t God’s intention from the beginning. When the Bible describes marriage, it always describes one man and one woman. We see nothing in Scripture to indicate that God disapproved of polygamy directly, but we do see that His plan was originally a pairing. This is emphasized in the New Testament when the qualifications for church leaders are laid out, as instructions to Timothy and Titus. Church leaders were to be husbands of but one wife.

      Is polygamy a sin? It doesn’t appear to be…yet it does appear to be contrary to what God desires most. Take divorce as an example. The Bible says that God hates divorce, yet He allows it. Is divorce a sin? No…but it’s not what God wants, is it?

      >> Slavery
      This one is very straightforward. Slavery, as we typically picture it, was outlawed in ancient Israel. Let’s look at two passages:

      Anyone who kidnaps another and either sells him or still has him when he is caught must be put to death. Exodus 21:16

      If a man is caught kidnapping one of his brother Israelites and treats him as a slave or sells him, the kidnapper must die. You must purge the evil from among you. Deuteronomy 24:7

      The kind of slavery practiced in ancient Israel wasn’t “chattel” slavery, where one person owned another. It was primarily indentured servitude. There were contracts for this arrangement, and the laws in place were designed to protect the “slave”. Even if we in modern western society don’t like the idea, this was beneficial for those involved. You can read more in my article Does the Old Testament Condone Slavery?. Let me know if you have further questions on this.

      >> Bad consequences
      I have two points to make here.

      1. While it’s a good idea to understand the basis for the instructions we’re given, the job of the disciple is to be obedient…regardless of whether we fully understand. What you’re asking for is the rationale behind the Scriptural prohibition of homosexual behavior. That’s not a bad question, but it would be a mistake to base your obedience on whether you like the reasons you’ve been given, or whether they make perfect sense to you. I don’t really understand why we’re told to pray so much…but I pray all the time, trusting that I will understand later. I very much appreciate that you want to serve God with your life! I hope that you’re able to trust God with ALL of your life, and not just with the parts you understand and agree with.

      2. I do have some information that might be useful. Marriage plays a very significant role in Scripture. It’s a big deal. Considering that, some find it odd that Jesus said that we won’t be married in Heaven. I wondered why, so I did some thinking and reading on the subject. I’ve kind of kept an eye out for more info over many years.

      You see, a whole bunch of things in the Bible are substitutes for other things. The Temple – the place where God dwelled with His people – wasn’t just a temple. It also pointed to a future reality, when the Holy Spirit would indwell God’s people personally. This is why we read in 1 Corinthians that we are each a temple of the Holy Spirit. The physical temple was important, but it also pointed to a spiritual reality to come. There’s even more to it: the day is coming when all of God’s people will be in Heaven, dwelling where God is. The Temple in three different formats, if you will. Do you see how that works?

      It’s the same thing with marriage. Marriage is important, but it also points to a greater spiritual reality. Our marriages aren’t simply important human relationships…they point to something bigger, and more important. First-century Jews understood this completely, but we need a bit of an explanation to get the point. You might be familiar with this passage:

      Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. John 14:3

      Jesus is telling His disciples that He’s going to Heaven to prepare a place for them. However: what we don’t see right away, that they understood immediately, is that these words came straight from a marriage proposal. This is what a young Israelite man would say to a young Israelite woman when he wanted to marry her. He would say this, then disappear for a while. He would build a new addition on his father’s home, making room for his new bride and their future children. Then, when it was finished, he would appear at his fiancee’s house and take her with him to live there. What does this mean? We see it everywhere in the New Testament, but we seldom think it through: Jesus is the groom, and we are the Bride. Our human marriage relationships mirror our relationship with God, and point to the future reality where we will be united with Him, living in His Father’s house.

      When Christians think about marriage solely in human terms, we find it difficult to suggest that there’s ANY marriage that God would not bless. After all, our argument goes, isn’t marriage about love? Doesn’t God want us to love each other? How could a lifelong commitment to love another person ever be less than what God wants? The answer to these difficult questions is really pretty simple: just as the Temple wasn’t about animal sacrifices, so marriage isn’t about human love. Both are important, but the most important part is that they point not to us, but to God. There were very strict rules about what happened in the Temple. This wasn’t because God needed things on earth to happen in exactly one way, but because the Israelites would better understand Him by understanding the Temple. In the same way, the prohibition against homosexuality isn’t really about us. It’s about us understanding Him, learning through the tangible things we can see about the intangible things we can’t yet see.

      The Sabbath was never really about resting one day per week. The Temple was never really about sacrificing animals. The priesthood was never really about having a mediator between God and man. Marriage was never really about a man and a woman. All of these things (and hundreds more) have always been about YOU and God, and ME and God. When we get these things mixed up, we misunderstand who God is…and we find it harder to trust Him. When we find it harder to trust Him, we find it easier to go our own way. God wants everybody to be saved, and so these things are of eternal importance. There are no mistakes in God’s system, Olivier. As much as we might like things to be different, there’s a very good reason for the prohibition against homosexual behavior: truly, the fate of the world depends on it.

      I hope that makes sense to you. Let me know if you’d like to talk further. I don’t have all of the answers, but I’m eager to serve.

  10. Teleskoid says:

    Thanks you so much, this helps A LOT, its probably the best answer I’ve ever been given!

    Now 1 Corinthians 7:
    2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

    And further in chapter 7:
    7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

    9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

    I know sex is not supposed to be the main reason why someone would get married, and marriage and celibacy are equally valid and important in God’s eyes. But it says we should act according to our “gift”. I don’t think God will change my desires even though he certainly can. But at the same time I don’t think I am “gifted” to be perfectly happy and content deprived of sex or of human intimacy (like taking a bath together or watching a movie together cuddling, etc). You say:

    “Regardless of which desire we’re struggling with, the answer is to seek God in all we do. Ask God to help you be the person you should be, and I believe that He will. That doesn’t necessarily make the struggle go away, of course… but we don’t have to face the struggle alone. God is with us, gives us strength and wisdom to face our problems, and comforts us when we fail. God transforms us from the inside out to become more like He is, if we just allow Him to change us. We cooperate with Him when we exercise self-control and avoid simply doing what comes naturally.”

    At least for straight people, they can count on marriage to canalize their sexual energy/desires/needs. But what about when you are in your 20’s and you already know that this won’t be an option for you unless God performs a miracle and change your desires (I know he can, but I don’t think he will)… It’s kind of depressing, to see how hard it is to refrain from sex at all, and knowing that it will be a life struggle without any possible way to ever get physical relief.
    God says in 1 Corinthians 10:

    13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

    What is my way out to control sexual temptations if marriage is not allowed with a guy? Prayer and reading the Bible even more? I just feel like this temptation is beyond what I can bear. I don’t know how I will be able to live the next *70* years of my life if I struggle like I am right now… I want to trust that that verse is true, but it is so very demanding! I feel like I am asked to learn the entire work of Chopin on the piano in one single day and play it perfectly… simply impossible. Have any insight on this?

  11. Aaron says:

    In the article, you speak of it being unnatural to our human nature to be patient, kind or have self control…well then why does Paul imply that heterosexual attractions are natural in Romans 1:27 when he says “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.”
    Is the ‘natural use’ spoken of in this verse natural for everyone or not? You seem to think that anything a human has an inclination toward that is good, is unnatural for him.

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Aaron:

      >> Is the ‘natural use’ spoken of in this verse natural for everyone or not? You seem to think that anything a human has an inclination toward that is good, is unnatural for him.

      I’m sure that if you take the time to read what I wrote carefully, you will see that you’ve misrepresented my position. Context is important. I’m not talking about sleeping or eating, for example. I’m also not talking about the way things should be…I’m talking about the way things are. Sin comes naturally to the natural man, doesn’t it? Would you say that we should just do what comes naturally? I would assume not.

      When my homosexual friends ask me what they should do to please God, what do I tell them? To do what comes naturally to them, or to ask for God’s help in overcoming what comes naturally to them? For most of them, what is “natural” (as we find in Romans 1) is not what they desire. Many struggle with same-sex attraction…not because they desire to do something unnatural, but because they are caught between what comes naturally to them and what should come naturally to everyone. My advice to them is the same as my advice to everyone else: just because something is “natural” to you does not mean that it’s pleasing to God. We should all ask God for help to not just do what comes naturally, but to do whatever it takes to please Him…whether it comes naturally or not.

      Do you see what I mean? I value your input.

  12. Aaron says:

    Thank you for your reply. You said, just because something is “natural” to you does not mean that it’s pleasing to God. You also said that same sex attraction in itself is not a sin. So if same sex attraction is not a sin, then it is not something that displeases God, and therefore, is not unnatural. Why do you say that opposite sex attraction should come naturally for everyone if same sex attraction is not a sin?

    • Tony Scialdone says:

      Aaron:

      >> You said, just because something is “natural” to you does not mean that it’s pleasing to God.

      Yes. Humanity is inherently sinful…sinning comes naturally to us, does it not? That sin is “natural” is no reason to conclude that it’s pleasing to God.

      >> You also said that same sex attraction in itself is not a sin.

      I did say that. Temptation is not sin.

      >> So if same sex attraction is not a sin, then it is not something that displeases God, and therefore, is not unnatural.

      Here’s where you may have missed something. Pleasing and displeasing God isn’t as binary – as black and white – as sinning and not sinning. For example, the Bible does not say that divorce is a sin. In fact, as Jesus pointed out, God allowed it…but the Bible also tells us that it’s something God hates. I don’t exercise enough to be fit and healthy. I’m sure that God would be more pleased with me if I did…but that doesn’t mean I’m sinning by sitting on my rear end.

      Now, let’s take this back to same-sex attraction. Temptation is not a sin. Desiring something that is bad for you is not a sin. Is God pleased that some suffer from same-sex attraction? I wouldn’t think so…but that doesn’t make it sin. A decent working definition of sin is ‘the willful transgression of a known law of God by a morally responsible person’…and same-sex attraction doesn’t seem to fit such a description.

      >> Why do you say that opposite sex attraction should come naturally for everyone if same sex attraction is not a sin?

      I didn’t say that, of course. You extrapolated it from what I did say, which is bad form. Opposite-sex attraction apparently doesn’t come naturally for everyone. I mean no disrespect when I suggest that you’re trying to trap me with your words, and that I don’t appreciate the attempt. If you disagree with something I’ve written, just come out and disagree. It would be great if you could provide reasons for disagreeing, so that I (and the hundreds of thousands who read this page) can benefit from your point of view.

      I wish you well, Aaron.

  13. Brandon says:

    Hey Tony,
    I want to start by saying thank you for putting up this website and for actively responding to questions. I have recently started studying out what is expected of a Gentile Christian who puts his faith in Christ. Your website and answers have given me the understanding I have needed.

    With that being said I want ask you a clarifying question about a comment in this section (Sorry if this rabbit trails the main topic of this discussion. Feel free to move this message if you think it might).

    In your last comment you said:
    “A decent working definition of sin is ‘the willful transgression of a known law of God by a morally responsible person”.

    Is the “known law of God” you are referring to the law that is written on our heart or referring to the old Mosaic law?

    To put it in context my parents and I love to talk theology and they asked me, if someone was to ask them what is an example of sin, if they could reference going against the 10 commandments.

    My answer to them was that tho following the 10 commandments pleases God and shows our love for Jesus (John 14:18‭-‬24 NASB) they are no longer binding and therefore should not be used in the context of representing sin. Was I wrong in this analysis?

    What does the word make clear to be an actual sin now that we follow the law of faith (outside of going against our own convictions which is understood as a sin)?

    Thank you in advance for your reply.

    • Tony says:

      Brandon:

      I appreciate your kind words…and I’m happy to hear that I’ve played a small part in your life. Thank you.

      >> Is the “known law of God” you are referring to the law that is written on our heart or referring to the old Mosaic law?

      Both, and more. We learn right and wrong from a variety of sources. One source is the Holy Spirit, who convicts us of sin. Another source is society. I know that might sound strange at first, but think about things like traffic laws. Driving 90 miles per hour isn’t a sin by itself, but when the speed limit is 25, you’re breaking the law. The Bible tells us to obey civil authorities, so doing 90 in a 25 zone would be sin. Another source is Scripture itself…there are lots of instructions about right and wrong in the New Testament, for example. Our parents give us lots of instructions about what to do and not to do. Eating dessert before dinner isn’t a sin, but disobeying your parents is. My point is simply this: to be guilty of sin, one must know what is right and what is wrong. Romans 5 tells us that sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law.

      I think you’re on the right track about the 10 Commandments, but we must be careful when we talk about these things. The 10 Commandments were given as a guardian for us until Jesus came (Galatians 3:23-25). Now that ‘faith has come’, we are no longer under a guardian. However: that doesn’t mean the 10 Commandments are irrelevant. They’re a reflection of God’s character, and provide valuable insights into His nature. We’re no longer under the Law, but that doesn’t mean we can worship other gods, or commit adultery, or steal or covet. The Father and the Holy Spirit are one, so they share the same character…the Holy Spirit would never lead us to do anything contrary to God’s design for humanity. The Law is no longer used as a guide for daily living, but we’re still informed by knowing the Law.

      With regard to John 14, Jesus speaks of His own commands, and not of any part of the Law.

      >> What does the word make clear to be an actual sin now that we follow the law of faith…?

      This is a great question! Some might think Christianity is easier to follow than Judaism. In some ways, it is…at the very least, Christianity is less inconvenient. When we think about it a little more deeply, we can see that Christianity places greater demands on us. Under the Law, you were obligated to tithe…but the rest was yours. You paid a debt to God, and that was that. The model for Christians isn’t paying a debt, it’s stewardship: that we own nothing, that all we have is God’s, and that we are responsible to manage His assets faithfully. Under the law, you had to make sure you weren’t breaking any law. Living as a believer is a bit more complicated…we’re told to look for opportunities to share our faith, to always be ready for Jesus’ return, and so on. I’m not saying that Judaism was easy, but that the bar has been raised for those who follow Christ. Walking in the Spirit is all-encompassing.

      That last paragraph didn’t really address your question directly. There’s a reason for that. The New Testament doesn’t have a technical definition of sin. Rebellion against God can come in a billion different forms, and it would be impossible to list them all. To complicate things even further, it’s likely that you can do some things that I can’t…that certain actions are wrong for one person and okay for another. One simple example is drinking alcohol. This is not sinful by itself. You might or might not be free to drink alcohol. I come from a family of alcoholics, and tend toward obsessive behavior…for me, drinking is a really dumb idea. I know that I’m not sinning by tasting a drink, but I shy away from it because I don’t want to dishonor God by developing a drinking problem. Some people might consider this a bit nitpicky, but that would only be because they’ve misunderstood me. I could go out and buy a beer right now and not be sinning…but I believe God would be displeased were I to become a regular drinker. That’s between me and God, and might not apply to you or anybody else. Drinking a few beers doesn’t break a known law of God, but pleasing Him is my goal.

      Does that make sense? Jesus told those who would follow Him that they must give up everything. When He told His disciples to go and make more disciples, He also said to teach those disciples to obey everything I have commanded (Matthew 28:16-20). Those who truly follow Jesus aren’t looking for ways to do what they want, but what He wants. As I write this, I feel as though some readers might see this life as very restrictive. In one sense, it is: I seek to do God’s will in all that I do. In another sense, I’m more free than most of the people I know. I have joy and peace and contentment and a sense of purpose and family and – most importantly – I have peace with God and peace with myself as a result. Jesus said that His yoke is easy, and His burden is light…and that’s what I’ve found to be true.

      I hope that answers your question. If not, don’t hesitate to post a follow-up. Have a great day!

  14. anonymous says:

    I did my secondary school in a boarding house where homosexual is a way of life. there I developed feelings for gay sex which has lasted for 6years now. till now I’ve not practiced it because is against my personal principle, family belief, Godly morals, and society culture. how can I get rid of this feelings because it arouses anytime I see any handsome man, even on the street. I meet gay men often but I rebuff all of them still fighting my feelings. I hate gay with passion.

    • Tony says:

      Anonymous:

      Like many other people, you struggle with same-sex attraction. Are you a Christian? I ask because being a follower of Jesus makes a difference in how we live. The Bible describes us, before becoming Christians, as “slaves to sin” who are unable to free ourselves. That description changes, though:

      When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

      Romans 6:20-23

      Do you see it? If you’re not a follower of Jesus, your struggle will be more difficult. That does not mean that following Jesus makes our troubles go away. They may, or they may not. The difference is that we don’t have to be alone in our struggle. We will have help. Are you a Christian? If so, are you also involved in a healthy local church? We all need acceptance and encouragement from people who care about us, and a healthy local church can provide that, and more. Let me know if you need a hand finding a place to call home.

      I hate to say this, but it’s true: you may never be entirely free from same-sex attraction. You may struggle with it for the rest of your life. I’ve known many people who struggled to please God for years…but I’ve not met one who believed they were wasting their time. On the other hand, God may deliver you from this battle. Either way, you’re going to need support. I’m praying for you. Let me know if there’s anything more I can do for you.

  15. Sam says:

    Hi Tony
    I’m very happy to have found this site. I’ve read every comment. I love your responses. It has helped me through my daily battles.
    I have these same sex struggles since I was a young man. I can remember since I was in fifth grade. I had my first lust with my fifth grade teacher. I experience my first same sex kiss when I was 17 years old with a high school classmate. I was so scared I stopped being friends with him. Then at 26 I started experiencing it more. Then at 35 I stopped. I still have those temptations today. I still do watch porn videos and some are of same sex too. I’ve always kept my life style a secrete. Only a few people know about me. I’ve dated woman and I’ve married once too. I have no kids. When I reached out to my Christian brothers from a church I use to go to, they turned their backs on me and left me wandering alone. I felt hurt and decide that the only way to numb the pain was to act up on my temptations. Now here I am seeking God again at 38. Trying to live right and be a witness to others. I just don’t talk about my same sex experience with no one. It feels good to be able to express it here. It feels good to let out what I hold inside for many years. I just wish I had a friend who I can talk to about anything and not judge me. But I know the Holy Spirit is with me through my battles and will give me strength I need daily and also will guide me right through God’s way.

    I do believe we all have our own personal battles. I believe our battles will be there until our last breath here on earth.
    I believe God allows the enemy to temp us in all different ways. The enemy finds our weaknesses and that’s what he hold us by for the rest of our lives. If we defeat a temptation, the enemy will find the next one.
    I may have a same sex temptation as others may have a drug temptation or other temptations. We all have battles just in different ways but it’s something we battle with everyday.
    Sometimes I just want to give up in life and just go find my flesh pleasure.
    I pray every morning and every night and I’ll listen to Christian music throughout my days. This has helped me make my battles easier. I do fail everyday but I know God forgives me. I know God sees my humble heart and not my sins. I wish I can say I’m sin free. So I know our purpose is to live for God and fight our daily battles. Sometimes we will lose our battles some days we will win them but on our last day here on earth we will overcome our battles. I believe as long as we fight our battles and live a Christian life, God will honor us for that. It’s not easy but as long as we try to live right, God will see us perfect.

    • Tony says:

      Sam:

      I really appreciate your kind words. I’m happy to be helpful, even in such small ways.

      In one way, I can’t even imagine how difficult your struggle has been. In another way, your struggle is the same as mine, and everyone else’s. We all know that the world is messed up, and that that includes us. We all know that we are not the men and women we should be, and that we’re unable to fix the problem on our own.

      One of the things I try to emphasize to everyone who struggles with sin is that God is in the business of transforming us. He’s not looking for opportunities to punish us…He wants us to let Him in so we can become who we were designed to be. Whether our struggle is over same-sex attraction or selfishness or unforgiveness or bitterness or addiction or laziness or shoplifting, the goal is always the same: Christ-likeness. God wants to transform us until we are like Jesus. We all struggle, and the solution – submitting to God – applies equally to every situation.

      That’s not to say that becoming a Christian will instantly fix what’s wrong with humanity. Paul suffered, and wrote this after praying that God would fix things:

      Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:8-11

      Let me encourage you to avoid the idea that our performance – our ability to succeed in not sinning – changes things on God’s side of our relationship. Yes, we are called to avoid sin and flee sexual immorality, and so on. There’s no question that we are to do our best to please Him in all we do. However: success or failure does not change how much He loves us…it only makes our struggle easier or more difficult. I understand too well how easy it is to beat ourselves up over our failures. I don’t want to diminish your desire to please God in everything, but I do want to caution you: your weakness is the reason you need a savior. We should certainly not be more sinful in order to receive more grace (Romans 6:1)…but we should not think that God will reject us for being weak and sinful. He will not give up on us. Our goal is simply to continue to work at being obedient.

      Let me encourage you to keep looking for community. I can’t vouch for any particular congregation of believers, but surely there are some men in your area who can walk with you through tough times. These kinds of relationships are always risky, and are hard to find…but they’re worth it. There are also online groups of men who struggle with your particular situation. They may be helpful as well. You may feel alone. Generally speaking, we all are to some extent. At the same time, you are not alone. Trust takes time. I hope you will allow someone to earn your trust in a face-to-face relationship and be your true brother in Christ.

      Let me know how I can help.

  16. FollowerOfJesus says:

    Hi,

    I once was attacked by the enemy that caused me to have homosexual thoughts and feelings. I know they attacked me since I can always feel the presence of angels and demons. For a long time I struggled with this but I always knew that it came from the enemy.

    There is no signs of homosexuality in heaven thus I always asked God to teach me the tools and truth to fight of these demons. They normally attack those people who have an important destiny with God. It keeps children that God might need in this world, that should be taught through you, from this world.

    So I had a long journey trying to get the enemy off my back. Now I am free and the enemy has no power over me anymore.

    I feel like God wants me to help homosexual people get rid of these attacks as it keeps us from doing His work.

    Ask for forgiveness and repent of your sins. Then loose it from your soul by praying: “Father as an act of my own will, I loose all homosexual thoughts, feelings, dreams and anything that I took into my soul that’s not from you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.”. No one was ever born like this but the enemy attacks people from a young age to make you believe that you different. Now fill your soul with things from God and bind it to your soul by praying the following: “Father, as an act of my own will I invite your presence, determination, resistance from the enemy, your love, grace and blessings, your divine truth and revelation. I receive these things and I bind them to my soul, in Jesus name, Amen!”

    Then start using the Hosts of Heaven in your life to keep the attacks from happening. The Hosts of Heaven are heavens army that’s there for you to use as a spiritual weapon against the enemy, for we fight in the spirit and not in the flesh. Do so by inviting them in your life first by praying: “Father, I invite the host of heaven in my life to help me fight for you.” then start using them by praying out loud: “Father, in the name of Jesus I take power over all the power of the enemy and I strip away the power that they have over me and I command the Hosts of Heaven to pull down all the strongholds of the enemy, shred the platforms of darkness and I command you to take all the enemy and throw them in a dry place till the day of judgement!” After this the angels will start warfare and shred the enemy. Now the enemy will still try and attack you but you just have to keep resisting as it pains them and sooner or later they will give up! Resist them by listening to worship music etc.

    After this you are free but they will try and pull you back, every morning when I wake up I pray: “Father I ask for grace to resist the enemy today and I receive it in Jesus name! Amen”.

    All of this I learned out of experience but one thing you always have to remember is, that you weren’t born this way and it’s attacks from the enemy.

    I hope this could help someone and I pray that God will be with you and I know that He will help you.

    If you want to learn more about Heaven and the Hosts of Heaven go search Kat Kerr.

    • Tony says:

      Waldo:

      I appreciate you coming to GodWords and taking the time to post your thoughts. I have no doubt that you are a sincere man, and only want to help.

      After reading your comment, I had more than one reaction. My first reaction was to not publish your comment. That happens rarely here on GodWords, but it’s not unheard of. When someone posts something that will confuse visitors, I feel an obligation to protect them. My second reaction was that I should publish your comment, but only after editing it. As you can see, my response is to do neither.

      Instead, I will take a few minutes to both challenge and encourage you. My encouragement has to do with your heart: please, continue seeking God. You clearly have a desire to know the things of God, and I hope you will persevere in your efforts.

      My challenge is very simple: learn the Word of God. When you study the Bible, you will be able to distinguish between sound doctrine and unsound doctrine. Your comment is full of unsound doctrine, which is why I’m challenging you. Any time – yes, every time – that a Christian makes a claim about the way God works, they should be able to show passages in the Bible that support their claim. These passages must, of course, be read thoughtfully and responsibly. What you’ve claimed in your comment cannot be established from Scripture in any responsible manner.

      I know it’s possible that you will simply disagree, and not come back to discuss this topic with me in depth. I don’t respond this way only for you, but also for future GodWords readers who may see your words and be confused. Your intentions seem good, and I see some good doctrine in your comment:

      “Ask for forgiveness and repent of your sins”
      “fill your soul with things from God”
      “I hope this could help someone”
      “I pray that God will be with you”
      “I know that He will help you”

      There are also plenty of not-so-good things in your comment…things that aren’t found in Scripture, and can’t be substantiated with Scripture. These concern me, as the New Testament gives very strong warnings about making sure our doctrine is sound:

      “I can always feel the presence of angels and demons”
      “There is no sign of homosexuality in heaven”
      “[demons] normally attack those people who have an important destiny”
      “the enemy has no power over me anymore”
      “bind it to your soul”
      “start using the Hosts of Heaven”
      “heavens army [is] there for you to use”
      “I take power over all the power of the enemy”
      “I command the Hosts of Heaven”
      “I command you”
      “Resist them by listening to worship music”
      “…Kat Kerr”

      None of the above can be substantiated in Scripture. Most of them could never be substantiated in any way. For example, you say you can always feel the presence of angels and demons. Who can say otherwise? Nobody, of course…but, because we have no examples from Scripture and no hints of such things in Scripture, it’s reasonable to be extremely skeptical of such a claim. Further, you claim to know things about heaven that aren’t in Scripture. This is problematic, to be sure. I’m not suggesting that there are signs of homosexuality in heaven, of course…only that you couldn’t know that. Neither could Kat Kerr, whom I would consider a false teacher.

      As for commanding the Hosts of Heaven, that’s simply ridiculous. They are not yours to command. One of the names used for God in the Bible is “the Lord of hosts.” In fact, it’s found in Scripture over 260 times! It is not, however, used to describe anyone but God. He, and He alone, commands the hosts of Heaven. You also seem to think that the hosts of Heaven consists of only angels, and not fallen angels. In 1 Kings 22 we read of Micaiah’s vision of Heaven, where a deceiving spirit is sent by God to entice the evil king Ahab. Again: you do not command the hosts of Heaven, and you don’t even have a clear picture from Scripture of what the phrase means.

      Finally: I enjoy worship music, but let’s not pretend that listening to worship music is a biblical strategy for spiritual warfare. It’s not. Biblical strategies for spiritual warfare include things like submitting to God, praying, resisting the devil, and putting on the armor of God. One piece of that armor – the “sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” – is offensive. We are to use the word of God in spiritual warfare. Worship music may be a useful tool, but the Bible doesn’t suggest that listening to it will accomplish anything directly.

      I don’t write these things to discourage you. I write them to encourage you to study, to show yourself approved. When investigators are looking for counterfeit money, they don’t start by studying fake money. They start by becoming intimately familiar with real money. When you know the real thing, a fake is instantly obvious and easy to spot. You have, unfortunately, been led astray. Please: devote yourself to studying the Scriptures. That kind of investment will help keep your doctrine in line with what God has already said. Please: if you’d like to discuss this further, feel free to comment again or to contact me directly. I’m eager to help you understand what the Bible does, and does not, say.

  17. a b says:

    Whenever someone tells me some bullshit like “Christianity is love” or “Islam is peace”, I just take a peak at the type of poison their followers are spilling in this website.

    • Tony says:

      a b:

      Thanks for visiting. Your comment is a nice try, but a fail nonetheless. Unless you can point specifically to something written here that’s unloving, your comment will be seen as a hit-and-run with no substance. Literally millions will have the opportunity to read your thoughts, so give it another try: be precise, explain what you mean, and say what you think should be done differently. Many thanks ahead of time. =)

  18. annonymous says:

    hi im a woman and ive known and loved the lord for almost 30 years and am a virgin. i am now 50 years old and have fallen in love with a woman . we both want to be together would it be a sin if we lived together and didnt have sex.

    • Tony says:

      Dear annonymous:

      Thanks for writing. I appreciate the honesty in your question. Let me say at the beginning of my reply that I love you, and that I love the woman you love. God loves you both as well. To be clear (as there are some who are confused about this), love isn’t a feeling. Love is a decision to act in another’s best interest, even at your own expense. In my reply, I will act in your best interest and not in my own. That’s what God does, and I’m only following His example.

      There are two parts to my answer. What you describe is a clash of priorities. You love the Lord, and you love this woman…and you’re concerned that the two might not be compatible. I understand. We’re faced with this kind of decision, large or small, all the time. How should we address these questions? Let me suggest that the solution, while not necessarily easy, is fairly simple.

      The first step is to choose our priorities. For example: a boss might tell an employee that they must work late every night. The employee understands that their job is important, but also understands that this regularly takes precious time from their family. A decision must be made. Either the family suffers, or the job suffers. Two priorities can’t hold the same place…they can never be equal.

      When you know your priorities, such decisions aren’t complicated. So, here’s my question to you: who is more important to you? Is it the Lord, or the woman you love?

      That’s the first step to answering your question. We run into trouble when we try to judge the situation without first having chosen our priorities. Regardless of whether it would be a sin to live with this woman without having sex, you must first decide what’s most important. Only then can you choose right, if there’s a conflict between two priorities.

      If you decide to put the woman first, you will live together and ignore what God says about the matter. Let me caution you: I have never (ever), not even once (ever), seen someone make this decision without compromising their relationship with God. Every person I know who has decided to put their relationship with another person before their relationship with God has suffered greatly. Every one, every time. If we truly do love the Lord, He will come first. If He doesn’t come first – before anyone else, including ourselves – we don’t really love Him.

      If you decide to put God first, you will be guided by what He says about your life and your relationships.

      Once you’ve chosen how to order these two relationships, we can move to the second step. Don’t move to step two without knowing who comes first.

      The second step is to ask God Himself what you should do, and to wait for His answer.

      You see, there’s nothing in the Bible that directly addresses your situation, head-on. Certainly there’s a prohibition against homosexual sex. You say that you would choose to not have sex, but I have doubts. Living with someone you love will naturally become more intimate over time. Without strict guidelines and great self-discipline from both of you, it’s unlikely you will avoid becoming physically intimate. If you really love this woman, you will avoid putting her in a situation that can endanger her soul…not to mention your own. This is a serious matter, worthy of serious consideration. Take your time and think about it carefully. There’s no rush.

      Even if you’re able to avoid sexual intimacy for the rest of your lives, that’s no indication that your relationship will be pleasing to God. It might, or it might not. There are plenty of heterosexual relationships that aren’t pleasing to God as well. Let me point you to 1 Corinthians 10:31.

      …whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God – even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.

      Being a follower of Jesus has never been a matter of simply avoiding sin. Instead, we were bought with a price and no longer belong to ourselves. We belong to Him, to be used as He sees fit. Our decisions are guided by His example…Jesus didn’t say or do anything other than what the Father told Him to say and do. We should do the same. Do you believe that your relationship with this woman will glorify God? Do you believe that it will cause anyone to stumble? Are you seeking your own good, or the good of others so they may be saved?

      These questions can only be answered in your own heart, dear sister. You know yourself, and you know human nature. Is this relationship adding to God’s glory, or taking away from it?

      Another analogy may be helpful. Some Christians feel free to get divorced, because the Bible says that God allows divorce. In many of these cases, they’re only making excuses for their bad decisions. They may be either pleasing or displeasing to God, depending on their reasons for divorcing. If they read the rest of the passage to find out how God really feels, they learn that God hates divorce, but allows it due to the hardness of their hearts. Your situation may be similar. You write like one who wants to please God, and I applaud you for that. When we – those who want to please our Lord and Father – make excuses for our behavior, we undo much of what we have fought so hard for. If you want God to agree with you about living with this woman, you will harden your heart and say that it’s not forbidden. If you want to agree with God, you will soften your heart and ask your Father for wisdom, and He will give it to you.

      I know my own priorities, and I know how weak I can be. I choose to avoid putting myself in situations that might make serving God with my whole heart more difficult. That includes everything in my life: my work, my relationships, what I read and watch and think about…everything. I hope that you will, along with me, choose to put God first in everything. We cannot serve two masters.

      I’m praying for you, my friend and sister. Please don’t hesitate to reply, or to contact me personally if you’d like to speak privately. I love you.

  19. khrieketoulie says:

    the feelings that they have from where it used to come? Isn’t develop itself?

    • Tony says:

      Hello Khrieketoulie! How are things in India today?

      Your English is much better than my Hindi, but I don’t know what you mean. It sounds like your asking why some people are attracted to the same sex. Is that right? The answer is that we don’t know why. If you had a different question, let me know. Have a great day!

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